I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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