rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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