I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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