It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
