Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
