i just had sex bonerless
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
