I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
