New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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