Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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