Well douche your snatch and let's go!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
