How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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