Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
