Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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