all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
