I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
