It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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