First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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