The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
