if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
