i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize