Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
