I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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