we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So apparently I’m into choking now
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