My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
