upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
