4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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