Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
