Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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