1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
