So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
