you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
