dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
