from now on my penis is your penis
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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