I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Will exercising make me less horny?
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