yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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