After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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