My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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