I wish you could order shots online.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
