I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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