So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
