i can't believe i had my finger in that
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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