you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
