i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
