Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
