Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
