She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
