the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize