So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
