I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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