it's like iHOP with fire
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
