Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
