i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize