I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
