Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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