im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
