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I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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