This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
