How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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