i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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