I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
