Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is Oprah even human
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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