tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
