Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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