I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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